You’re the One That I Don’t Want Read online

  ‘Uh-huh.’ I nod, meeting his eyes.

  ‘Very, very careful.’ He starts slowly uncurling my fingers, stretching out my palm and tracing the lines upon it with his fingertips.

  I lie back, enjoying the sensation of his fingers brushing against mine, feeling the mood change, like a summer breeze. His touch is light, feathery, gentle, yet its effect upon me is like a thousand volts coursing through my veins. Now I know what people mean when they talk about electricity between two people. It’s as if someone has just plugged me straight into the mains. I feel alive. As if I spent the first nineteen years of my life asleep and it was only when I met Nate that I finally woke up.

  ‘Hey, can you hear that?’

  Nate’s voice brings me back. His head is tilted, his eyes searching the air around him, a smile spreading slowly across his face.

  ‘What—’ I begin, but he puts a finger to my lips.

  ‘Ssh, listen.’

  The warm evening air surrounds us with its pillow-softness, its scents of red wine and fresh pizza, cigarettes and aftershave, mingled with the sounds of music, voices, a woman in the apartment above us washing dishes . . .

  And something else.

  In the distance I can hear something. I listen closer. Is that . . .? Could that be . . .?

  ‘Bells,’ I whisper, feeling a sudden thrill. I glance back at Nate. His eyes are twinkling with excitement.

  ‘This is it.’ He grins and my stomach releases a cage of butterflies. ‘It’s happening.’

  With the soft peal of bells being carried on the breeze, we glance up ahead to see the bridge. Arching majestically over the canal, it glows in the golden light, the white marble a blank canvas for the setting sun. Streaks of vermilion mixed with tinges of burnt umber and yellow ochre create a shimmering rainbow reflected in the water. We drift slowly towards it, both filled with anticipation, excitement, laughter, love . . .

  Closer and closer . . .

  And now the gondolier is falling into the shade and we are gliding slowly under the bridge. Inch by inch, by inch. We have only a few seconds. Our eyes lock. Our laughter falls silent. The joking stops. Everything stops.

  In that split second everything slows right down. Like a movie gone into slow motion, the frame freezes. It’s just me and Nate. The two of us. The only people to exist in the whole wide world.

  Two halves of one whole . . . Out of nowhere the old Italian’s voice pops into my head and I feel a shiver tingle all the way up my spine. You will have everlasting and eternal love. You will be together for ever and nothing will ever break you apart. As his words echo inside, the air suddenly turns cooler and goose bumps prickle my arms.

  Something’s different. There’s an energy. A certainty. A powerful sensation all around me that I can’t describe. It feels like . . . like . . .

  I look at Nate. He’s leaning towards me . . .The bells are chiming . . .The sky is blazing . . . and my breath is held so tight in my chest I feel as if I’m going to burst with the sheer exhilaration of the moment, of him pulling me close, of him telling me he loves me.

  Magic. That’s what it feels like.

  It feels like magic.

  ‘And?’

  I snap back to see the barman standing stock still behind the bar, gripping the beer pumps as he waits anxiously.

  A warm glow envelops me. ‘And we kissed,’ I reply simply.

  It’s as if the whole bar has been holding its breath. All at once there’s a loud exhalation of giddy relief. There’s even a slight ripple of applause, and someone, somewhere whoops.

  ‘So what happened then?’ gasps Robyn excitedly. She looks joyous. As does the rest of the audience, I realise, glancing around. Everyone, it seems, loves a love story.

  I pause, collecting my thoughts. I feel the moment quickly ebbing away, vanishing back into the past, swallowed up by the present. Like Venice itself, it’s fast disappearing into the water.

  ‘Well, it was the end of the summer, so he went back to Harvard and I went back to Manchester,’ I say matter-of-factly. ‘There were lots of letters, the odd phone call when we could afford it – it was so expensive to call transatlantic in those days and I didn’t even have the Internet.’ I smile ruefully. ‘We dated long-distance for almost a year . . .’ I pause. I can see everyone waiting eagerly for the punchline. For the big happy ever after.

  My stomach knots.

  ‘And then?’ The redhead with the martini glass is almost beside herself.

  I suddenly feel a huge weight of responsibility for everyone’s hopes. I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to let them down. And yet . . .

  I feel a lump in my throat. Even now, after all this time, I can’t think about it without that crushing feeling in my chest. That feeling of not being able to draw breath. As if I’m swimming underwater and my lungs are going to burst.

  I can remember it as if it was yesterday. I had just graduated and was sleeping on a friend’s sofa in London while I looked for a studio to rent. It was summer. I remember seeing forget-me-nots in the park as I walked home, remember wondering if they had forget-me-nots in America, thinking how as I bent down to pick one that I’d press its pretty blue petals and send them to Nathaniel.

  My friend yelled to me as I opened the front door. Standing in the hallway, she held out the phone to me, a bright, excited smile on her face. It was him, Nathaniel, my American boyfriend calling. I rushed towards her and snatched up the phone, trying to untangle the wires that twisted round my hand, breathless with excitement about speaking to him, telling him all my news, hearing his voice.

  But the moment I heard it, I knew. In that split second I just knew.

  Zoning back to the bar, I take a deep breath to steady my trembling voice and say as nonchalantly as I can, ‘We broke up. He married someone else.’

  The audience gasps. Robyn throws her hand over her mouth. Another girl looks gutted.

  ‘No fucking way!’ curses the barman in disbelief.

  My sister, who until now has been silent, nods, partly in sympathy, partly because she’s heard this story a million times. ‘Way,’ she says matter-of-factly, answering for me. ‘I saw it in the New York Times. They got the full page.’

  There’s a sharp intake of breath around the bar. Feeling all eyes upon me, I focus on my beer, swallowing the amber bubbles, trying to block out my emotions, which are swirling around inside me . . . Him saying he was sorry, that this long-distance thing wasn’t working and he’d met someone else, that he never wanted to hurt me but it had all happened so fast . . . Me dropping the phone, feeling my legs give way beneath me as I crumpled into a heap in the hallway, feeling as if my heart had split clean in half, just like that stupid coin pendant he bought me . . .

  OK, stop right there. I pull myself up sharply. I’m getting carried away thinking about this stuff again. It’s in the past, and that’s where it’s going to stay.

  ‘See, that’s what happens when you believe in silly fairy stories about everlasting love,’ I say, quickly pulling myself together. And putting down my glass, I force a bright smile. ‘Right, who’s for more drinks?’

  Chapter Four

  The weekend comes and goes in a flurry of moving and unpacking. It takes several trips to move everything from my sister’s apartment to Robyn’s – trust me, it would have taken a lot more if it hadn’t been for my sister and her obligatory lists. Clipboard in hand, she organised everything with military precision, which is not easy, considering my two suitcases had somehow transformed themselves into about eight bin liners full of stuff. I swear it was like magic porridge. The more I packed, the more I found to pack. Correction: the more my sister found to pack.

  She was like something from CSI, going through the apartment with a fine-tooth comb, discovering random socks under radiators, my toothbrush in the kitchen (don’t ask, I have no idea how it got there either), a do-it-yourself Pilates DVD in the recorder. I bought it in a burst of enthusiasm. According to the blurb on the back, in no time
at all the unsightly roll over the top of my jeans would apparently be transformed into what the cheery, super-toned instructor called a ‘steel corset’.

  I say ‘apparently’ because trust me, two weeks later there is nothing underneath my T-shirt even vaguely resembling a corset, steel or otherwise. Admittedly I’ve only done it once. Twice, if you count fast-forwarding through the boring bits.

  To be honest, I was secretly hoping I could ‘accidentally’ forget it and leave it at my sister’s. That way, I’d have an excuse not to have to do it. I wasn’t reckoning on Kate’s sniffer-dog talents, though, and before I knew it, it was ejected from its hiding place and added to my mountain of luggage.

  Thankfully Robyn was on hand to help me unpack it all at the other end. Her approach was slightly different to that of my sister. Hers was more along the lines of:

  1. Rip open a bin liner.

  2. Chuck everything all over the floor.

  3. Then spend hours randomly picking things out with cries of ‘Ooh, what’s this?’ (my new Butter Frosting bubble bath from Sephora – God, I love Sephora. It’s my new spiritual home), ‘Wow, can I try this on?’ (a silver sequinned scarf I bought from Top Shop yonks ago and which I’ve never worn but still insist on taking with me every time I go away, just in case this time I get an uncontrollable urge for a silver sequinned scarf) and ‘Oh my God, is this really you?’ (my old photo albums, in particular a teenage picture of me when I was going through my goth stage and was all liquid eyeliner and dyed black hair).

  Robyn, I quickly discover, is what they delicately describe in novels as ‘loquacious’. In real life it means she never stops talking. Not for one moment over the weekend does she appear to draw breath. If it’s not to me, her mum in Chicago or her numerous friends, it’s to her two beloved dogs, Jenny and Simon, who follow her wherever she goes, heads cocked on one side, eyes beseeching, waiting for treats to drop from her pockets.

  Both are strays that she rescued from an animal shelter. Simon is short and fat, snores like a pig. Jenny is thinner, hairier and has a terrible underbite. Robyn loves them like they’re her children. In fact, the way she mothers them you’d almost think she gave birth to them herself. When Simon isn’t having acupuncture for his arthritic hip, or Jenny isn’t being given Chinese herbs for her allergies, they’re sitting on the sofa having their bellies tickled and watching Oprah.

  Oprah is to Robyn what the Pope is to a Catholic. Armed with a bowl of popcorn and the remote, she listens solemnly as Oprah discusses infidelity, dabs away tears during Oprah’s interview with a couple who lost their cat to cancer and high-fives the sofa when Oprah appears in a pair of skinny jeans and announces she’s lost twenty pounds. In forty-eight hours we cover sex, love and weight loss. By the time Monday morning rolls around, I’m relieved to leave Oprah behind and go to work.

  Although Robyn promises me tonight’s episode about a man who married a grizzly bear is going to be ‘a good one’.

  Work is at an art gallery in SoHo called Number Thirty-Eight, and with my new address I can now walk there, which means an extra twenty minutes in bed.

  Well, that was the idea.

  Only in practice my terrible timekeeping is made worse by sleeping through my alarm and those extra twenty minutes turn into an extra forty.

  Which means I have to rush like a mad thing in my flip-flops (which is a bit of a non-sequitur. I mean, seriously, have you ever tried running in flip-flops?).

  ‘Morning.’ Smoothing down my shower-damp hair, I push open the glass door of the gallery. My heart is hammering in my chest, a sure sign that I need to do that DVD, if not for my muffin top, then so I don’t have a heart attack before the age of thirty-five.

  ‘Loozy!’ booms a loud voice from the back office, heralding the appearance of Mrs Zuckerman, my boss, otherwise known as Magda. By the strength of her vocal chords you’d be forgiven for expecting someone over six feet tall and two hundred pounds. Instead she’s a diminutive blonde woman who can’t measure more than five feet, despite her skyscraper heels and carefully constructed beehive, which rises five inches from her scalp in a golden haystack.

  ‘It is so good to see you!’ Dressed head to toe in Chanel, she bustles into the gallery, her miniature Maltese dog scampering at her heels. Reaching up, she grabs my face firmly with her diamond-clad fingers and plants two brisk lipstick kisses on either cheek.

  This is the way she greets me every morning. It’s a bit of a departure from the clipped ‘Hello’ that I grew used to from Rupert, my old boss in London, but then Rupert was Gordonstoun-educated and mates with Prince Charles. He used to walk around the gallery as if he still had the coat hanger in his suit jacket and wore one of those rings on his little finger with his ancestral coat of arms or something on it.

  Whenever anyone came into the gallery who wore one, he would fiddle with it, like it was some secret code and they could communicate telepathically through their pinkie rings.

  Magda is the antithesis of that old-school pinkie-ring mentality of the British class system. A rambunctious Jewish lady with a thick Israeli accent, despite having moved to New York thirty years ago, she’s not about subtleties, calling a serviette a napkin or saying, ‘What?’ instead of ‘Pardon’ (all lessons I learned from Rupert, who seemed to take it upon himself to play Henry Higgins to my Eliza Doolittle).

  Instead everything is about extremes and exaggeration. Why call a spade a spade when you can call it something completely different? And preferably outrageous. She talks in exclamation marks and is forever regaling me with one of her outlandish stories, be it about an amazing dessert (‘The apple pie was unbelievable!), her three ex-husbands (He was terrible I tell you, terrible!) or the time she was arrested (‘I say to the police officer, “Why cannot I break his windows? He broke my heart. It is justice!”’).

  Like strong cheese, or Russell Brand, you’re either going to love Magda or hate her.

  Luckily for me, it’s the former.

  ‘Are you hungry? Did you have breakfast?’ Without waiting for an answer, she dives into her large Louis Vuitton tote. Out of it she pulls an enormous paper bag filled with what appears to be the entire contents of a bakery. ‘I bought bagels. Sesame, poppy seed, onion . . .’

  ‘Thanks, but I’m fine with coffee.’ I smile, reaching for the coffee-machine. ‘I’ve never actually been much of a breakfast person.’

  Magda looks at me like I’ve just told her I’m an alien from outer space. ‘You don’t eat breakfast?’ Her eyes are wide with astonishment.

  Saying that, Magda always has a certain astonished look about her. At first I just thought she was permanently surprised by things, but now I’ve figured out it’s due to her eyebrows, which sit much higher on her forehead than normal, a result, I suspect, of having had ‘work done’.

  Which in the States is not in reference to a new loft conversion but to a series of nips and tucks performed by a man in a white coat at some fancy address on Fifth Avenue.

  ‘Well, no, not usually.’

  Magda is shaking her head violently. ‘But this is terrible!’ she cries, pounding the countertop with her fist for emphasis. ‘Terrible!’

  I swear you’d think she’d just found out her entire family had died at sea, not that her employee skipped breakfast.

  ‘No, honestly, it’s fine. I’m not that hungry,’ I try explaining, but Magda is having none of it.

  ‘You must eat. You must eat to survive,’ she insists dramatically.

  I open my mouth to protest. Trust me, I eat. And I have the thighs to prove it. Remember that movie Alive, in which the survivors of a plane crash had to eat each other to survive? Well, those passengers could have lived for months on my thighs. Years, probably.

  There’s no point trying to point this out to Magda, I realise, looking at my boss’s determined expression. I surrender and take a poppy-seed bagel.

  Immediately her expression changes from tragic to comic, like one of those theatre masks. ‘It’s good, no?’ she chuc
kles, beaming with pleasure.

  ‘Mmm, yes, delicious.’ I nod in agreement.

  ‘I have cream cheese and lox.’

  Lox, I’ve learned, means smoked salmon in New York.

  ‘No, thanks,’ I mutter through a mouthful of bagel.

  ‘You want it toasted?’

  ‘Mmph.’ I shake my head.

  ‘I have honey. You like it with honey?’

  I’m still chewing.

  ‘Peanut butter? Pickles?’

  I had no idea there were so many different ways you could eat a bagel, and I’m sure she would have kept suggesting them if I hadn’t swallowed hard and managed, ‘Um . . . it’s yummy just as it is,’ nearly choking myself in the process.

  ‘Hmm, well, OK.’ She clucks her tongue reluctantly. ‘It is important to keep up your strength as we have a very, very busy day today. We have some new paintings arriving by an amazing artist from Columbia. Oy, the colours!’ She smacks her lips with her scarlet fingernails.

  At the mention of the paintings, I feel the familiar tingle of excitement that I always get when I see work by a new artist. A sort of fluttering in my stomach, like when I was little and I would run downstairs on Christmas Day and see all my presents under the tree. The feeling of anticipation, followed by the discovery of something new and wonderful.

  I’m sure the paintings will be amazing. Magda’s judgement when it comes to husbands and broken windows might be questionable, but when it comes to art, she has great instincts.

  I glance around the gallery. She’s been running this place for over twenty years, ever since she won it in a divorce settlement from her second husband, a millionaire property mogul. By her own admission, she had no formal art background and just sort of fell into it, buying whatever took her fancy, whatever made her smile, and because of her unorthodox approach, it’s totally unique.

  When you think of art galleries, you often think of those huge, imposing white lofts with several floors, but Number Thirty-Eight is housed in the converted basement of a townhouse. Most people walk past it on their way to the big-name designer stores and never think to glance down at the sidewalk, through the railings and into our windows. They never notice an amazing abstract painting by a new artist, or a series of striking lithographs that form part of our latest exhibition.