Confessions of a Forty Something F##k Up Read online

  ALEXANDRA POTTER

  confessions of a forty-something f##k up

  Contents

  Prologue

  JANUARY

  New Year’s Day

  The Following Friday

  The Next Day

  Sunday Lunch

  The Battle of the Thermostat

  Sod This Sunday

  Life and Death

  FEBRUARY

  Death by Blue Rinse

  An Unexpected Guest

  Battle of the Dishwasher

  An Obituary

  Unconsciously Uncoupling

  Death by Pancake

  Valentine’s Day

  The Day After

  A Moment of Truth

  Plus One

  Delete Contact

  MARCH

  Question and Answer

  The Surprise

  WhatsApp Chat with Fiona

  The Fear

  Big Little Brother

  Mother’s Day

  The Naked Truth

  Let There Be Light

  Feeling Inspired

  Good Friday

  APRIL

  1 April

  Easter Monday

  My First Confession

  Let It Snow

  Going, Going, Gone

  WhatsApp Group: Michelle’s Baby Shower

  The Baby Shower

  Pulling the Trigger

  Friday 13th

  The Bereavement Bunker

  A Slippery Slope

  MAY

  May Day

  Failing

  The Raincoat

  It’s Complicated

  Facebook is Not My Friend

  A Desperate Act

  The Photograph

  Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre

  It’s Not You, It’s Me

  The Last (Plastic) Straw

  Not Junk!

  JUNE

  Never Too Late

  WhatsApp Chat with Fiona

  The First Date

  School Sports Day

  What Would Frida Do?

  The Second Date

  Plus One

  The Naked Forty-Something

  The Third Date

  Morning After the Night Before

  Group WhatsApp Message from Max

  JULY

  Summer Holidays

  Two Blue Ticks

  Ghosted

  Guilty as Charged

  ThrowbackUp Thursday

  Secrets and Lies

  Be Happy

  The Doctor’s Appointment

  Panic and Potential

  Le Mieux est L’Ennemi du Bien

  Text Exchange with Max

  AUGUST

  The Invisible Woman

  What’s Your Superpower?

  The Horrors of Overhead Lighting

  An Inspector Calls

  Viva España

  Barcelona

  Bikinis and Babies

  Letting Go

  One Love

  Notting Hill Carnival

  SEPTEMBER

  The Dilemma

  Double Booked

  Fab Female Friday

  Cold Feet

  Stream of Consciousness

  My Brother’s Wedding

  A Separation

  The Package

  A Development

  The Next Day

  OCTOBER

  A Week Later

  The Weirdest Thing

  Love Is All You Need

  Independence Day

  Life Moves On

  A Haircut

  Halloween

  NOVEMBER

  My Confessions

  Bonfire Night

  The Phone Call

  No Guarantees

  Evie Rose

  Dark Night of the Soul

  The Next Morning

  Tea and Biscuits

  The Weekend

  Auntie Nell

  Breathing Space

  DECEMBER

  A Christmas Drink

  Going Viral

  New Beginnings

  Things I’ve Learned from Cricket

  Christmas Cards

  Frankenstein and Myrrh

  The Nightmare Before Christmas

  Christmas Eve

  Christmas Day

  Boxing Day

  The Days In Between

  New Year’s Eve

  New Year’s Day

  This Year’s Gratitude List (Revised)

  Obituary of a Forty-Something F##k Up

  For anyone who’s ever laughed in the face of it all.

  The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.

  ELIZABETH GILBERT

  Prologue

  Hi and welcome to Confessions of a Forty-Something F##k-Up, the podcast for any woman who wonders how the hell she got here, and why life isn’t quite how she imagined it was going to be.

  It’s for anyone who has ever looked around at their life and thought this was never part of The Plan. Who has ever felt like they dropped a ball, or missed a boat, and is still desperately trying to figure it all out while everyone around them is making gluten-free brownies.

  But first a disclaimer: I don’t pretend to be an expert in anything. I’m not a lifestyle guru, or an influencer, whatever that is, and I’m not here to sell a brand. Or flog a product. Or tell you what you should be doing, because frankly, I haven’t a clue either. I’m just someone struggling to recognize their messy life in a world of perfect Instagram ones and feeling like a bit of a fuck-up. Even worse, a forty-something fuck-up. Someone who reads a life-affirming quote and feels exhausted, not inspired. Who isn’t trying to achieve new goals, or set more challenges, because life is enough of a challenge as it is. And who does not feel #blessed and #winningatlife but mostly #noideawhatthefuckIamdoing and #canIgoogleit?

  Which is why I started this podcast . . . to tell it like it is, for me anyway. Because Confessions is a show about the daily trials and tribulations of what it feels like to find yourself on the wrong side of forty, only to discover things haven’t worked out how you expected. It’s about what happens when shit happens and still being able to laugh in the face of it all. It’s about being honest and telling the truth. About friendship and love and disappointment. About asking the big questions and not getting any of the answers. About starting over, when you thought you would be finished already.

  In these episodes, which will take the form of confessions, I’ll be sharing with you all the sad bits and the funny bits. I’ll be talking about feeling flawed and confused and lonely and scared, about finding hope and joy in the unlikeliest of places, and how no amount of celebrity cookbooks and smashed avocados are going to save you.

  Because feeling like a fuck-up isn’t about being a failure, it’s about being made to feel like one. It’s the pressure and the panic to tick all the boxes and reach all the goals . . . and what happens when you don’t. When you find yourself on the outside. Because on some level, in some aspect of your life, it’s so easy to feel like you’re failing when everyone around you appears to be succeeding.

  So if there’s anyone out there that feels any of this too, this podcast will hopefully make you feel less alone.

  Because now there’s two of us. And two of us makes a tribe.

  JANUARY

  #whatthefuckamIdoingwithmylife

  New Year’s Day

  How the hell did I get here?

  Not here here, as in January
, never-ending month of grey and gloom that seems to go on forever, filled with depressing Blue Mondays, failed attempts at resolutions, and an Instagram feed overflowing with celebs boasting about ‘New Year! New Exciting Projects!’ – which does not make me feel #inspired and want to reach for their exercise video or Book of Brag (sorry, I mean Blessed), but has the opposite effect of making me collapse back down on the sofa, feeling #overwhelmed with a family-size packet of cheese puffs.

  No, I mean here as in it’s my birthday soon, I’m about to turn forty-something, and it’s just not how I’d imagined. I mean, how did this happen? It’s like I missed a turning somewhere. Like there was a destination marked ‘Forty-Something’ and my friends and I were all heading that way, youth in one hand, dreams in the other, excited and full of possibilities. A bit like when you step off the plane on holiday and you go down those moving walkways that swoosh you along with everyone else, following the signs to baggage reclaim, eager to see what’s on the other side of those sliding doors.

  Except it’s not the Bahamas and tropical palm trees; it’s Destination Forty-Something and comprises a loving husband, adorable children and a beautiful home. Swoosh. It’s a successful career and bifold kitchen doors and clothes from Net-a-Porter. Swoosh. It’s feeling happy and content, because life is a success and all sorted out and you’re exactly where you always imagined you’d be, complete with an Instagram account filled with #Imsoblessed and #livingmybestlife.

  It is not, I repeat not, #wheredidIgowrong and #whatthefuckamIdoingwithmylife?

  Sitting cross-legged on my bed, I glance around the room, noting the cardboard boxes in the corner and two large unopened suitcases. I still haven’t finished unpacking. I stare at them, trying to summon up the enthusiasm, then sink back against the pillows. It can wait.

  Instead my eyes fall upon the new notebook on my bedside table. I just bought it today. According to this article I’m reading, the secret to happiness is writing a daily gratitude list.

  By writing down all the things you’re grateful for, you will feel more positive, stop negative thought patterns and transform your life.

  Reaching for the notebook, I pick up a pen and turn to the first page. I stare at the empty sheet of paper, my mind blank.

  If you need some inspiration, here are a few things to get you going:

  I am breathing.

  Are you kidding me? Breathing? There’s grateful and there’s pretty much dead if that’s not on my list.

  I do not feel inspired.

  Don’t worry if you don’t know what to write. Just start with one thing and work up to your five-a-day.

  Right, OK. I’m just going to write the first thing that pops into my head.

  1. My air miles

  OK, so perhaps not exactly the kind of blessed and spiritual thing the author of the article had in mind, but trust me, I was feeling very bloody blessed to have all those air miles when I flew back to London last week.

  I’ve been living in America for the past ten years, five of them in California with my American fiancé. I loved California. The never-ending sunshine. Wearing flip-flops in January. Our little cafe-cum-bookshop which we sank all our savings into, with its delicious brunches and walls lined with books. I was happy and in love and engaged to be married. The future stretched ahead like candy-coloured bunting. Everything was going to work out just like I’d always hoped.

  But then our business went bust and our relationship along with it and – poof – it all turned back into a pumpkin. I was not going to marry the prince and live happily ever after with our cute kids and adorable rescue dog. Instead I was going to pack up what was left of my life, cash in all my air miles for an upgrade, and sob my way across the Atlantic. Hell, if I was going to be broke and heartbroken, it was going to be on a flat bed with a cheese plate and a free bar, thank you very much.

  In my gin-sozzled, cheese-and-crackered brain, I was planning to come back to London, rent my own flat, fill it with scented candles, and get my life back together again. My immigration visa was about to run out and I needed a fresh start, one that didn’t constantly remind me of what I no longer had. Plus, Dad had generously offered me a loan to help me get myself back on my feet. My American dream was over: it was time to come home.

  But things had changed since I’d left and I quickly discovered rents had doubled, nay, quadrupled. And gone was my tribe of single friends with their spare rooms and cheap bottles of wine, which we would drink until the early hours telling each other very loudly that he was a total bastard, you’re better off without him, and Do Not Panic! There’s still plenty of time! All while reeling off a long list of celebrities who were much older than you and had managed to meet the man, push out a baby, and be in OK! magazine talking about their miracle birth Before It’s Too Late.*

  Now all my girlfriends are married, and their spare rooms are filled with babies and bunk beds and nursery-rhyme stickers, and it’s cups of herbal tea and bed by 9.30 p.m. Which meant I had two choices: couch-surf with a cup of camomile, or move back in with The Parents.

  Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my parents. But this was never part of The Plan. Nowhere in my twenties and thirties did my vision for the future involve being single, over forty and sleeping in my old bedroom. Even if Mum had swapped the single bed for a double and redecorated with matching Laura Ashley lamps.

  My old bedroom was for visits home with The American Fiancé, soon to be The Handsome Husband. For reliving childhood Christmases in the countryside with our growing rosy-cheeked brood. For weekends when The Parents looked after their beloved grandchildren while we hotfooted it to one of those fancy, overpriced boutique hotels with filament light bulbs draped over a bar, an organic menu filled with grass-fed this, that and the other, and massages that are never quite hard enough.

  2. Spareroomforrent.com

  It was actually my best friend Fiona who told me about it, her nanny having told her about it.

  ‘You should do it, Nell! It sounds like a lot of fun!’ she said brightly across the Carrara marble worktops of her newly renovated open-plan kitchen, where I was slumped, depressed and jetlagged with a weak cup of some foul-tasting herbal tea, after she’d very kindly offered to put me up for a few days on flying back to London.

  Fiona always thinks my life sounds fun. And it probably appears that way when viewed from the security of her happy family life. A bit like how bungee jumping or living in a two hundred square foot tiny house or dyeing your hair purple always looks like fun, when you’re not the one doing it.

  I mean, don’t get me wrong. Bits of it have been a lot of fun. Just not the current bits.

  ‘That’s one way of putting it,’ I quipped, shooting Izzy, my five-year-old goddaughter, a smile as she tucked into her organic porridge. Personally, I had several other words in mind, but Auntie Nell must not say the naughty F word.

  ‘Your goddaughter thinks it sounds like fun, don’t you, darling?’ enthused Fiona, grabbing herself a bowl and sprinkling in a few fresh blueberries, some chia seeds and a dollop of manuka honey.

  I love Fiona – we’ve been friends since university – but she’s living in a completely different universe to me. Happily married to David, a successful lawyer, she’s now settled into a comfortable middle-class life in south-west London with their two lovely, privately educated children, a tasteful designer home, and the kind of swingy blonde hair that comes from a professional blow-dry and a great colourist.

  Before having children, her job as a museum curator took her around the world, but she gave all that up when Lucas, her eldest, was born, and now her days are filled with myriad school events, remodelling the house, booking lovely family holidays in five-star resorts and doing Pilates.

  Meanwhile, over on Planet What The Fuck Am I Going To Do With My Life:

  ‘You might meet some really interesting people.’

  She was being so sweet and positive I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the thought of meeting interesting people in my py
jamas brought me out in hives. I didn’t want to share a fridge with strangers. Or, God forbid, a bathroom. It was fun when we were young, but not now. Now it was depressing and soul-destroying and just a little bit terrifying. I mean, I could be murdered in my bed by some weirdo flatmate, and end up chopped into little bits and sprinkled on the geraniums.

  FORTY-SOMETHING MEETS

  GRISLY END IN FLATSHARE

  Her life used to seem so promising, say shocked parents, who were hoping for at least one grandchild.

  I voiced my fears but Fiona pooh-poohed me briskly. Her nanny said it was brilliant and that through it she’d met lots of new friends. I didn’t point out that her nanny was a twenty-something from Brazil, so of course it was brilliant. Everything was brilliant at that age. Especially if you looked like Fiona’s nanny.

  ‘Come on, I’ll help you search,’ she announced, whipping out her iPad and closing down the John Lewis sale homepage. Within seconds she was enthusiastically swiping through photos, as if she was online shopping. Which technically she was. Only it wasn’t for a nice table lamp and a cashmere throw, it was for a home for her poor feckless friend.

  ‘Ooh, look! I’ve found it! This place is perfect!’

  3. Arthur

  The spare room was in an Edwardian maisonette in Richmond, a leafy suburb of London known for its village atmosphere and family life. I’d been hoping for something more in town and less married with children, but it was available and I could afford it. Plus, when I went round to see it the room looked even larger than in the photos, and it had a little balcony. There was just one catch.

  ‘And so this is the shared bathroom.’

  Having finished showing me the bedroom, Edward, the owner of the flat and my prospective landlord, paused by the bathroom door.

  ‘Shared?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I put the seat down – that’s one of the house rules,’ he joked, opening the door and pulling the light cord.

  At least, I thought he was joking. Until I spied his toothbrush in the cup by the sink and my heart sank.

  ‘OK, great.’ I tried not to think of my ensuite back in California. This was going to be fun, remember. It was going to be like Friends, only we were in our forties and I looked nothing like Jennifer Aniston. I forced a bright smile. I could do this.